Five Minute Friday: Remember

It's been a while since I stopped and wrote out a Five Minute Friday...but in the stillness of this minute (or five...) I'm going to once again join Lisa-Jo and a host of other bloggers as we Remember...

Start!

It's been nearly 9 months. 9 beautiful, life-changing, never-wanna-go-back months. She's starting to pull herself along the furniture...been pulling up for a while now. She's a mess, and she gets into everything, but I'm loving every second of it!

But before that? It had been almost 2 years. Since the heartache and the hurt and the anger and the pain. Since the first miscarriage that went on to two. Since God drew me close when I felt so far and allowed me a glimpse into the sufferings His Son went through...and that fellowship sustains me even now.

And today? Today, this week, I celebrate five wonderful years of getting to know the man I now call husband and who my daughter calls Daddy. Five years of hurt and anger at times and love and understanding, better-than-happily-ever-after at others. Five years of being goofy and turning right around and having a deep, theological discussion because that's how we roll, y'all. Five years of getting to know each other better...and I can't wait to see where this road takes us.

Life...good and bad. Life...worth remembering.

Stop!

And just because I feel like it (read: because I can and want to...) I'm going to leave you with a picture that I want to remember every year from now on...

Abby, Daddy, Mommy, and Aunt Shea at the Pumpkin Patch

Five Minute Friday: Growing

Linking up again with Lisa-Jo for the most freeing 5 minutes known to this blogger. :) Yes, I'm actually taking the time this week for Five-Minute Friday!

You know the drill: Write for 5 minutes on the topic (Growing) with no editing. Just writing what comes from the heart without looking for perfection.

Go!

Growing can be painful. It can cause stretchmarks on a pregnant belly and late night pains on a growing teenager. Scars, broken bones, stitches...all come from growing.

But the end result can be breathtaking!

I'm reminded of the Greek meaning for humility (one of my husband's favorite illustrations). The word literally comes from the idea of breaking a wild horse in. Of learning to use the strength and prowess for more than just yourself. God teaches us to control what He has given us through, well, growing.

Through the trials and the sufferings, through the hard times in the valleys. He teaches, strengthens, and humbles us so that He can use us better.

We've been in a growing season lately. Lately as in the past few years. Yes, it's only gotten harder. But God has also shown Himself in ways that we never would have dreamed possible. And as we've grown spiritually, we've also grown closer to our gracious God, who gives us all that we need in ways we could not have imagined.

Stop!

What about you? How has God shown you His grace as He grows and humbles you?

Five-Minute Friday: Rest

Linking up with Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama again today! I forget how much these short posts really do re-energize me until I do them. :)

Five minutes, without worrying about being perfect. Just creativity flowing. Ahh...

This week's topic is rest. How. Appropriate!

Go!

Rest. What is that, exactly? I honestly don't know. But I do know this.

Rest isn't when you're half-crazed, trying to round up the things you need for a third week away from home.

Rest isn't when you're once again in the van, listening to your baby cry because she wants to get out and play.

Rest isn't when your husband is frantically trying to find people who will sponsor the radio station he's managing.

Rest isn't when you're in a smoke-filled room for the third night in a row, wondering how on earth you'll ever get rid of that smell.

Rest isn't when you're left wondering why or how or when...it isn't when you're stressed beyond measure, trying to trust and have faith when everything is crashing around you. Again.

Rest?

Rest is reading scripture over and over again because, yes, Jeremiah gets it!

Rest is remembering that God loves, He hasn't forgotten, that He does all things for good.

Rest is the peace that steals in, unnoticed, amidst the chaos and stress, and lets husband and wife enjoy dancing when little one has gone to bed.

Has my life been restful lately? No. But He has led me to find rest anyway.

Stop! 

The grace and the craziness never stop flowing! :)

Five-Minute Friday: Older

She has light brown hair that's slowly getting fuller, though it's still thin. Every now and then, in the sunshine, you can see streaks of red, promises of a fiery spirit.

She has two teeth now...two! Just a month ago, she had none.

She looks over at strangers in the restaurants and gabs at them until they notice her, and her biggest smiles come when she's entertaining someone. She loves dancing with her Daddy and me, too. Music is still her favorite.

She's eating toddler snacks and raw fruits and veggies. She loves toast strips and hates naps. She's always on the move, and she's getting faster every day!

No, she isn't my baby anymore, but I don't want her to be. She's growing into her personality, and I love watching her blossom.

Older, yes. Sweeter, of course! More of a diva? You bet! And I'm loving every. single. minute. of it all! Well, except for when she fights her naps. ;)

Linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five-Minute Friday again! Join in on the fun! :)

Five-Minute Friday: Beauty

Such a timely topic! I have to say that these short posts are the highlight of my week. Just writing bits of my heart and learning how to say exactly what I mean the first time...it's both relaxing and therapeutic! :)

Again, in case you're new, Lisa-Jo has offered us bloggy folks the freedom of just writing, whether it sounds just right or not. Interested in writing your own FMF post? Check out The Gypsy Mama for more info!

Start!

There is beauty in the everyday, the routine, the set times and set activities. There is a simplistic, restful way about rhythms and predictability.

There is also beauty in the tragic, the times in life where our muscles are pulled from our bones and life hurts. So deep, so painful, and we wonder if there will ever be beauty again.

Times when this world takes its toll, times when life seems unbearable. When the hard, dark questions rise and the soul longs to know if there truly is beauty or if it's all just a facade.

I know so many people right now where their lives seem so dark, ugly, and beauty sounds like a myth. But this is the lie that we have heard and believed for so long. Just a lie.

Tomorrow shows what today truly held, and in the midst of suffering, torment, hurt, and anguish, the soul is made pure, beautiful, and whole. The refiner's fire hurts, burns, and seems to steal away the beauty, but in reality the impurities are being scraped away and what is left is more beautiful than anyone could have ever imagined.

Photo Credit: http://nashikchandi.com/images/SilverMaking.jpg

Stop! 

Let me leave you with this thought: no matter where your life seems to be right now, beautiful or ugly, remember that God is faithful, and He is always making us into His Son's beautiful image.

Five Minute Fridays: Whole

I have been woefully neglecting this little blog. I hate how inconsistent I've become with it, but I also know that this is a growing and a stretching of myself. Hopefully I will be able to come back more regularly soon, but until then, I believe that Five-Minute Fridays may be my best bet at staying sort of regular. :)

This week's Five Minute Friday topic is whole. Five minutes, no editing, no worrying about how right it sounds or how creative (or not) it is. Just writing to write...and then sharing the writing love with fellow bloggers.

Start!

Whole? What is whole?

I, for one, have had fleeting moments when I have felt whole. I've been nit-picked, hurt, and have felt very un-whole for so many days. Losing myself in the "what I'm not," forgetting the "what I am." Wholeness does not come easily for me.

But.

I am whole, I am complete in Christ. I am a new creation. And my wholeness is not found in what I say or do (or what I don't say or do). Wholeness is found in Christ. In grace.

I trust this, I believe this, but it still takes a lot of courage for me to be whole. For me to live this knowledge.

I'm working on it. Slowly working, slowly thanking, slowly becoming the woman I need to be. The woman He has made me. The woman He is making me.

Wholeness. Complete.

The circle starts again, mother bearing daughter. The circle is made whole. The girl is made woman. And the wholeness begins to fill.

I work at being whole for her. I work at this wholeness, laboring daily so that she may have life. Life. Wholly living on grace.

Stop!

Abiella, "God is My Father"

Five Minute Fridays: Still

Linking up with Lisa-Jo again today! For, wait for it...

Five-Minute Fridays!! 





This week's topic is still. And since the link isn't working yet, this should be fun. :)

Five minutes to just write, without worrying if it's just right or not. Five minutes to let my (somewhat) creative mind go free and enjoy whatever comes from my noggin.

Ready? Here we go!

Start!

Through the long days, the sometimes longer nights, through the mess and chaos that surrounds this thing called life, sometimes I can find myself, the person I've been in the middle of the person I've become.

I'm still the girl who would rather read and observe than act and participate. I'm still the girl who loves grammar jokes, puns, and smart humor. I'm still the girl who laughs quietly, shoulders shaking, with a huge smile.

Sometimes it's hard to find her. Amidst the mommy, the wife, the blogger...sometimes she gets a little lost. She forgets what it's like to be caught up in the pages of a good book, to write whatever is on her heart because it feels good to get it out, even to watch a favorite tv show just because.

But most times, if she can find a good cup of coffee, if she can find a new book to read, if she can spend just a few minutes writing down her heart, I see her. Still there in the stillness.


It's in the stillness, in the quiet, that she finds me, that we find Him, and that we realize we are the same person. Still.

Stop!

Five Minute Fridays: Wonder

It's been another whirlwind week! So, so much going on lately. Thank you for your patience, friends, as I learn to write two (!) blogs. Friday is here, and once again I'm linking up with Lisa-Jo to write without worrying about if it's just right or not! Can I just say that after a week filled with blog posts that I've been worried over, this feels like just the vacation I need? It's the simple things, I guess. This week's topic? Wonder.

Abby at 20 weeks: the day we found out she would be a girl!

Go! 

I sat in wonder at 20 weeks, awing over the sonogram I had received. In awe at the beauty, the glory of God forming in me. And I cried, I cried that God could be so very good.

I sat in wonder several nights...woken up around 5 or 6 by the little body moving around in mine. Just sitting, feeling her move and shift and play. Little baby girl, wrapped inside me...wrapped lovingly by God's hands.

I sat in wonder in February, after almost a day's worth of labor, and just stared at the little life in my arms. Just stared at her nose, at her eyes, at her hands. Awing over this little life just beginning, awing that I already knew her and she already fit.

Abby at birth

I sit in wonder now, listening to her cry from waking herself up. In awe and wonder that she is who she is, how she is a mirrored image of myself, much more social than I could ever be. And I wonder how it is that God brings a life into this world to enrich mine, ours, and shows us who we are, who we have always been, who we have hidden from the world. And it is so good to just wonder a while. 

Abby today

Stop!

Cut this one a little early. Couldn't let my baby girl. keep crying!

The Hard Questions

There are so many questions that have hard, life-altering answers. They're the ones that atheists and agnostics ask, the ones that they use to keep God at a distance. Because when you really look the answers, they seem so wrong.

Why do babies die? Why does God allow cancer, HIV, poverty, hunger? Why does God let children die of preventable diseases? Why does a faithful man get rewarded with an unfaithful wife? Why does God let bad things happen to good people?

Well, there's the obvious. There is sin in the world, and we are an imperfect people. There must be a curse because there is evil.

But when it's you, when these things happen to you, those answers seem hollow. They are hollow. There's not real substance in them, and they leave hurt feelings. Why would God allow such things to happen to His people?

I'm reminded of something that Francis Chan said. In Isaiah 55, God says that His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so are His thoughts higher than our thoughts. Francis said that to say, "I wouldn't believe in a God who..." means that we are making His thoughts submissive to our reasoning.

I actually came back to those verses a lot after my miscarriages. I had desperately wanted to be a mother. My mind was so set on it, my heart was preparing early on for this huge responsibility. I helped to raise my sisters (5 and 11 years younger than me), so I had already thought long and hard about how I wanted to parent and discipline.

After I married Drew, it seemed a natural progression to have children. When we finally found out that we were pregnant, I was ecstatic. No matter that I still had at least a year left of college; I could make it work. And then I miscarried. I was devastated, but I had hope for another child. When I miscarried the second baby, I was brought face to face with the reality that I might not have children the way that I originally thought. And I was brought very low with that reality.

After all, wasn't that the very thing I felt called to do? Wasn't motherhood something good? How could motherhood be a bad thing? It didn't make sense at all, especially when I had known for sure that God had called me to be a mother.

What I didn't realize that He was whittling away at my self-absorbed soul. He saw my imperfections and loved me enough to continue working in me. Because I am sinful. I am so very imperfect, even though I try so hard to be perfect. I am a perfectionist by nature, and I daily put myself down for not being enough or doing enough instead of leaning hard on Him who saved me by His grace.

I had to come face to face with the reality that I did not need to be a mother to be satisfied. I had to come to the point where I could fully tell God that He had all of me...all of my heart and all of my life. Fully, completely, no if's, no and's, no but's, and no strings attached. After all, He graciously gives me all I need. He graciously gives me life, breath, and I have no right to claim anything that He gives.

I have mentioned before how I have to give Him everything, all. "I Surrender All" is no longer just a song; it's a way of life. Even my daughter's life, as much as I adore her and want her to live for as long as possible, is not mine. I cannot claim it. It's His gift, and all I can do is thank Him for every moment I have with her. I'm pretty sure that this is what keeps me sane on the nights when she wakes up every 2 hours and I desperately need at least 4 more hours of sleep but she's wide awake.

Do I claim to know the mind of God? May it never be! I have no clue what God's ultimate purpose for any tragedy is. All I know is how God has worked in my life through this one hardship, and I don't even see all of the ways He changed me through that! There are ripples, and my experience has touched other lives in ways that only God knows. Even how I treat people in everyday life has changed. And looking back, I can see good in it. I can see His grace in it. But only in hindsight. And only by...His grace.

When Seasons Change...

Fridays just seem to appear out of nowhere these days! Maybe part of that is from the very little sleep I've been running on. :) Linking up with Lisa-Jo!

Anywho, if you have the inkling to join me, remember: five minutes writing, no editing, just creativity! Today will be extra fun because I'm using my little sister's itty bitty computer.

Go

15 weeks ago, it was most definitely winter. Early February, dead, bare branches and brown grass. Then, she was born. In the midst of winter, my little blossom was born. The Friday after her birth, the last snow of our Southern winter fell.

Somehow, winter became spring. In the blink of an eye, there was green grass, blooming trees, and sunny days. She started wearing short sleeves, and I started leaving the socks off of her feet. She started smiling, laughing, and cooing just as the spring slowly came.

She is almost four months now, and the summer is starting. She knows us now, and even far away from her Daddy, she misses him. She got scared last night, screaming and wailing, and she wouldn't let go of me when I finally came to get her. Summer looks better than the spring.

Stop!

Yeah...this little keyboard definitely didn't help. I kept having to stop and rewrite because suddenly words were being typed in the middle of other words. :) Oh well. Minor inconvenience on a very special weekend. My little sister is graduating high school! Congratulations, Sarah! I'm so proud of you!

Motherhood Should Come With...

I had completely forgotten about Five-Minute Friday last night...until right after I posted about Abby's 3 month "birthday" and saw Lisa-Jo's post. :) So without further ado, Five-Minute Friday: Motherhood Should Come With...

Go!

Motherhood should come with a club. An all-exclusive, full-membership, clubhouse-included club. With a never-ending pot of coffee. Yep. Motherhood should come with this club: one with a guide for more than just newborn care. One with the rule that prohibits slandering because of child-rearing choices. One where women can just talk about their fears, their worries, their hopes and dreams without any judgement. Where they can just be accepted for whatever they decide to do because, after all, we're all in the same boat. We're all just making do with whatever we have, whether it's breastfed or formula-fed, co-sleeping or not, natural living or surviving in suburbia...the fact is that we're all raising children...to whatever end...to the best of our ability.

Oh, and we'd definitely have this as our theme song. :)

Stop!

Want to join me? Head over to Lisa-Jo's and join in the fun!

If I knew I could, I would...

"It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday..." with Lisa-Jo! Five-minute Friday is here, and it's a doozy of a topic. Seriously, I've been thinking about it since last night, mulling it over in my mind. And I'll tackle it in five minutes, no editing or reworking or anything. Promise. ;)

GO!

If I knew I could, I would write. I would write in such a way that you could relive it, understand it, and apply it. I would write about the things that inspire and the things that totally suck. I would write in such a way that you wouldn't have to live in the black, in the darkness, in the mire.

Because I've been there, I've lived there, and I hate watching someone else go through it. It's the kind of mire that, yes, you know the way out, but that way has disappeared, is no longer passable, and you can't tell someone how to get out because they have to live it for themselves. They have to face the darkness, the abyss, and you can encourage them from the other side, but how much do they really believe you? How much can they trust you?

That's the kind of writing I'd do. I'd mark the paths so that I could pull you out quicker, sooner, less messy. Or build a bridge so that you wouldn't get caught at all. But that's not the way that God made us, and that's not the way He works. He doesn't just let us live out the struggle for someone else because we have to experience them for ourselves. Otherwise, we wouldn't remember the lessons. We wouldn't grow.

Though I'd love to do the growing for you, I can't. But I can encourage you from the other side.

STOP!

I definitely added one more sentence at the end...but I think it was needed. If you're inspired to take five minutes and write, go here...




...and link up! 

I Can Go the Distance!

Woohoo! It's Friday again! Beautiful, wonderful, sleep-deprived-at-12-AM Friday! Almost makes me think about the song by Rebecca Black...almost. Crud. Now I think it's stuck. The almost didn't work. (Please remember...sleep deprived...) Anyway, once again it's time to join up with The Gypsy Mama and ignite the creative juices. This week's topic: On Distance. (By the way, sorry about the misleading title. Hercules just popped into my head...I told ya: sleep deprived.)

The rules are the same: just write for five minutes, no editing, no worrying about making it perfect (ahem...), and hit publish whether it makes sense or not. This is going to be fun for me tonight, I can already tell.





GO!

Distance. I immediately think of driving 6 hours from Blue Mountain to Picayune, home to my family after being in college. That incredibly long, boring drive after a full day of classes. Yawn. Now, I'm a little closer to my family. It's only 3 hours or so, but with gas prices, it might as well be Alaska.

That's the funny thing about distance: it can seem so much further than it really is. After all, it would probably take me maybe an hour tops to get home by plane. Or if I sped the entire way there. Then again, hiking or driving a wagon to Jackson would take days or weeks. Distance can be relative.

Now, there is definitely a marked amount of mileage for a certain route. Yet there are always pit stops along the way. Gas stations and restaurants. Stores. Eating up time, making it take longer.

Lately, I've realized more and more that the distance that I put between myself and God is also relative. When I was depressed after the miscarriages, it seemed like there was a huge, devastating hole between us. In reality, He was there the entire time.

STOP!

Boo. Maybe it's good that the timer went off, though. I could go on for ages about this "relative distance" idea, so only five minutes gives a much quicker read. ;) Happy Friday, friends!

(update: apparently my sleep-deprived self didn't see the connection...but I guess the title actually does make sense!)