Multitudes on Mondays: Love Letters and Lists

I'm not sure when I wrote my first love letter to my husband. I know that I was already in high school and feeling like a failure at love. I had one boyfriend when I was in junior high. That "relationship" lasted for 7 days. And then I had a boyfriend for 6 days during my senior year. Woot.

While I had standards (which were pretty much limited to no sex), I definitely was open to the idea of dating. There was one major problem, though: my dad happened to be a pastor. Well, that and I was a good girl who never dreamed of what went on at parties. I wasn't exactly girlfriend material, at least not to red-blooded American teenage boys.

Sometime between my junior year of high school and my freshman year of college, something began to change. I started seeing just how ridiculous high school relationships were (at least most of the ones I saw first-hand). I also began realizing that I didn't just want any guy. I wanted the right guy. And so my love letters began.

Many times, they were written when my heart had been crushed. As the only one in a trio of girls without a boyfriend, lonely was an accurate description of my life then. Lonely and, well, forgotten. My friends didn't mean any harm by it, but it was so much easier for them and their boyfriends to double date or hang out...without me. I was the third wheel, and I knew it. So my letters are stained with tears in some places, tears because I knew that someone was missing in my life, and I mourned that he wasn't with me yet.

I also looked at what the Bible says about the characteristics of a godly man and a godly woman. I knew that I had a lot to learn about being a godly woman, and I began praying for my husband to be a godly man. Then one day, I made the list. Just a few things that I wanted to see in my husband: who love God first and me second, who is in a growing relationship with Christ, who makes me feel safe, who is a deep thinker and thinks for himself, who is committed to following God, who is attracted to my inner beauty, who can make my day better by being there, who can cook (!), who makes me laugh, who is somewhat of a romantic, who loves music, who appreciates my quirks, who is kind and not a liar, who can control his anger...

Can I just say that after re-reading these, I realize that I'm describing my husband to a T? (Yes, he even cooks!) These are the things that I wanted, and God blessed exceedingly abundantly beyond all that I could ask or think!

Soon, it was my last summer before college. That summer, I read a book that changed my perspective on dating and marriage completely: When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy. While I don't agree completely with all that they said, one thing stuck out: they didn't kiss until their wedding day. The more that I thought about it, the more that I wanted that for myself and my future husband. What better way to celebrate our love, to show our commitment to each other, than to save that first kiss? Thankfully, I had not kissed anyone before that, and I truly believe that while I felt alone and unloved, God was protecting me from myself.

Why do I say that? Is kissing so wrong? No! Of course it isn't! And yet it is. It was for my husband and me because neither of us trusted ourselves with just a kiss. And my husband had, years before, made a vow that he wouldn't kiss a woman unless she were his bride. Technically, it didn't matter if I had kissed someone previously, but I'm glad that I hadn't simply because we were on an even playing field when it came to kissing and other physical contact.

Now, all of this happened before I met the man who would be my husband. To a young girl who graduated from a public high school in May 2006. To a young woman who met her future husband in August 2006. (It really is quite a story. Perhaps I should share sometime? There's even a last-minute breaking of the engagement and a reunion!)

And, for the record, my husband still takes those letters out at times and reads them.

Gifts from the heart:

Letters to my future husband
Letters to my baby girl (begun in high school)
Hopes and dreams and wishes written down
List of who he is marking Song of Solomon
Prayers upon prayers written down, marking days and times and seasons of life
Markings in my Bible: notes on when, where, how it applies
Underlinings, circles, and highlighters noting important Words of Life
Bulletins and random papers scattered throughout
Notebooks and pens, writing style that changes with years
Random lists written in between pages
Notes from classes, written and preserved
Notes and underlines in textbooks
Poems and stories, handwritten and typed up
Professors and teachers who made me write
Doodles and pen marks on days that bored me
Gel pens and colored Sharpie markers and coloring pencils and crayons
The simple joy of coloring a page


The permanence of a pen, ink that tattoos our lives...

Words

There is a picture of a little boy on my fridge. A newborn, just hours old, wrapped in the sweetest little outfit. He sleeps there, reminding me of a simple truth: he was stillborn. And his parents need prayer.

This side of the grief fence is difficult to walk.

So often, I want to whisper words, but they're just words. Not inspired words. So I stop. Because this I know: when the words I speak are inspired, it does not matter what I say because I can have confidence that God knows exactly what needs to be said. When He inspires my words, they are beautiful, even if they are simple.

So this is what I pray for: words that speak comfort, words I cannot find until they come to me, words that somehow heal the hurting heart and become a balm for the soul. Beautiful, uplifting words.

And this is my prayer for this blog, too. That even when I'm talking about something random that at least one thing will stick. One phrase will make you think. One word will change your heart. Not because I'm just that good. Not because I feel I need an audience. But because I know the One who spoke the world into existence can speak blessings beyond measure to your heart.

He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly beyond all that we ask or think. His mercies and lovingkindness are new every morning. His grace is so great, so good, so undeserved! He loves us deeply and dearly. He never changes. Great is His faithfulness!!

Wherever you are today, whatever you need God to be, just wait. Be still. Know that He is God.

Because His words, His life-giving words, are coming your way. And His grace is sufficient for you, for His strength is made perfect in your weakness.

If I knew I could, I would...

"It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday..." with Lisa-Jo! Five-minute Friday is here, and it's a doozy of a topic. Seriously, I've been thinking about it since last night, mulling it over in my mind. And I'll tackle it in five minutes, no editing or reworking or anything. Promise. ;)

GO!

If I knew I could, I would write. I would write in such a way that you could relive it, understand it, and apply it. I would write about the things that inspire and the things that totally suck. I would write in such a way that you wouldn't have to live in the black, in the darkness, in the mire.

Because I've been there, I've lived there, and I hate watching someone else go through it. It's the kind of mire that, yes, you know the way out, but that way has disappeared, is no longer passable, and you can't tell someone how to get out because they have to live it for themselves. They have to face the darkness, the abyss, and you can encourage them from the other side, but how much do they really believe you? How much can they trust you?

That's the kind of writing I'd do. I'd mark the paths so that I could pull you out quicker, sooner, less messy. Or build a bridge so that you wouldn't get caught at all. But that's not the way that God made us, and that's not the way He works. He doesn't just let us live out the struggle for someone else because we have to experience them for ourselves. Otherwise, we wouldn't remember the lessons. We wouldn't grow.

Though I'd love to do the growing for you, I can't. But I can encourage you from the other side.

STOP!

I definitely added one more sentence at the end...but I think it was needed. If you're inspired to take five minutes and write, go here...




...and link up! 

Soon and Very Soon

"I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon"

"My soul will be satisfied." I'm not going to lie: my soul is very unsatisfied right now. It has been for a while now, but I really began to notice it after I lost my babies. And I thought that the soul would be satisfied with being pregnant...with having a baby...and now I want to be pregnant again because it is the best feeling in this world in my opinion (of course, I didn't have morning sickness...). But, no. None of these will satisfy me permanently.

Being a mother satisfies my desire...to be a mother. Being a wife satisfies my desire...to be a wife. But neither satisfies my soul. Having graduated college satisfies the desire to be out of school...yet I miss it and wish I were still there. I love being married and having children...but I miss my family. I miss the special times we had growing up before I married Drew. And though I have a beautiful baby girl, I just want to be pregnant again because it is the most awesome feeling when you are being used by God as He is creating. (Yes, I am a weird one.) And I may eat and satisfy my desire for food, but I will be hungry again. I may write, but my desire to be heard and to say what is fully on my heart will always be lacking. I may have children, but I will always miss the ones I have yet to meet.

Isn't that the rhythm, the song of Creation? Desires that are never fully satisfied?

"Though I have not seen Him, my heart knows Him well." My heart does know Him well. It knows that the soul was made for much more, that these desires should be met. That one day, my greatest desire will be met, and I will be with the Lord in Heaven. My sin will be erased, my shame forgotten, my hopes and dreams finally fulfilled to the fullest. And my heart knows Him well. My heart knows that He is the only One who can fulfill every need, every desire, every hope, every wish. And one day, one glorious day, I will be with Him, face to face, in all of His beautiful glory.

Soon and very soon.

On Blogging

Let's just pretend that I have never ever begun a blog. Period. Let's pretend that I have just started blogging...


and this is my first post ever.

Clean slates always feel good to me. No expectations, no failures. Just open.

So much like how I would love for the rest of my life to look like. I'd love to not have to deal with my own expectations that add up and close in on me. Not my parents' expectations, not my husband's, but my own. I cannot even do something as simple as write without editing and reviewing what I've written because, well, I don't like it. It sounds dumb to me.

That's what I want for this blog--a place where I don't have to be perfect. A place where I can let go and be me...the woman God created me to be. The wife God intended me to be. The mother He plans for me to be. Imperfections, scars, bruises, and all. Just me.

And just maybe I won't feel the need to make everything sound better than it is. Or talk only about the good that is in life. Because I know what it's like to feel down. I know what it's like to hate God, to think He has left me alone, to feel abandoned and outcast. I know what it is to hate waking up in the mornings and spend all day criticizing myself for not doing everything I think I should.

Maybe I won't leave those parts out because I need to get them out.

I need to share my stories, my hurts and my failures. I need to share what awesome things God is doing in my life. The good and the bad. The everything. Because maybe someone needs to hear. Just maybe someone needs my story too.