Motherhood Should Come With...

I had completely forgotten about Five-Minute Friday last night...until right after I posted about Abby's 3 month "birthday" and saw Lisa-Jo's post. :) So without further ado, Five-Minute Friday: Motherhood Should Come With...

Go!

Motherhood should come with a club. An all-exclusive, full-membership, clubhouse-included club. With a never-ending pot of coffee. Yep. Motherhood should come with this club: one with a guide for more than just newborn care. One with the rule that prohibits slandering because of child-rearing choices. One where women can just talk about their fears, their worries, their hopes and dreams without any judgement. Where they can just be accepted for whatever they decide to do because, after all, we're all in the same boat. We're all just making do with whatever we have, whether it's breastfed or formula-fed, co-sleeping or not, natural living or surviving in suburbia...the fact is that we're all raising children...to whatever end...to the best of our ability.

Oh, and we'd definitely have this as our theme song. :)

Stop!

Want to join me? Head over to Lisa-Jo's and join in the fun!

Three Months!

Three months ago, I was up, awake with labor pains that had kept me from a nap already needed. And I stayed awake for at least two more days...for some reason I couldn't sleep for more than an hour with my sweet girl in this world!

She's still keeping me awake at night...not because she feeds often or even stays awake for very long. Nope...I just love holding her close in these sweet moments. Feeling her breathe against my chest, hearing her sighs. They are right up there with her big grins, giggles, and almost-laughs. Two years ago, I would have given anything for the incredible blessings I have now, and I try to stay mindful of that.

I'm not going to lie: I still feel like she is going to be taken from me any second. Which may be a blessing in disguise because I am forced to give her to God every moment of every day. The reality is that she isn't mine, and I can't live like she is. She is God's. He has lent her to me, and every single minute with her is a grace-gift from Him.

I don't feel that way very often, honestly. When she's fussy, the last thing I want to do is be grateful for her. When she wakes me up at night, I don't want to enjoy her or even hold her. I just want to sleep! But when I look into her eyes and see that she needs me, even when I'm tired of having to be there for her, I melt just a little. I am reminded of so many families who have lost babies, who would be ecstatic for one minute of the frustration that I sometimes feel, and I thank God for this miracle...and the miracle happens: I am thankful. Truly thankful. Even for the spit-up, the fussiness, the everywhere-poop, the I-have-to-be-held-and-entertained-NOW cries...all of it when I thank.

Two Years

Two years now.

Two years. Does the hurt ever really go away? No. It stays away longer, rests for a while, and then floods anew. Small things set it off...like a day, a memory, the grief of someone else.

Sometimes I really wonder what exactly I'm grieving for. It isn't for an actual person whom I've met..."she" was never born. It isn't necessarily for a baby that I saw...there were no ultrasounds of Abiah.

I grieve for two things. I grieve for the dream that was lost, for the hope that was taken, for the promise unfulfilled here on Earth. And I also grieve for the girl I was, for the way I was before the dark set in. For the joy that I know I will never have again. The joy that lasted for eight sweet days before the dark. That unassuming, baby-will-come joy, the big-blossomed, life-is-here joy. Because the reality has set in that with life comes the certainty of death...no matter how soon.

Two years. Three pregnancies. One baby here. Now.

I don't love Abiah (or Ronan) less for not being Abby or for not knowing them as long. I don't love Abby less because she was carried, birthed, and will live with a more aware mama. I love them differently. I know them differently. And I do find great joy both in knowing that my children are in Heaven and in living here with Abby.

But that initial hurt? That loss? It lingers. It's powerful. It's a reminder, though, that my home is not here.

"When God takes someone from us, it is always for a
good reason. When the sheep have grazed and thinned the grass
in the lower regions, the shepherd will take a little lamb in
his arms, carry it up the mountain where the grass is
green, lay it down, and soon the other sheep will follow.

Every now and then our Lord takes a lamb from the parched field
of a family up to those Heavenly Green Pastures, that the rest
of the family may keep their eyes on their true home and follow through."

--Fulton Sheen

A Greener View

Please bear with me as I write this...sometimes what I feel makes complete sense until I write it out. I would also point out that what makes sense for me doesn't have to make sense for you...God gives us each a particular passion in this life; He doesn't make a one-size-fits-all list of convictions because we each are different and deal with life differently.

Anyway, now that I have made no sense at all and you're totally on the edge of your seat (right? Or am I missing something?) let's talk about stewardship.

There are two different ways that God addresses stewardship in the Bible: one is stewardship over money and possessions and another is stewardship over the earth and its creatures. Jesus talks about using your money and talents wisely in several parables and teachings. God told Adam and Eve that they had dominion over all in the Garden (Genesis 1:26. Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, and let them rule
over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the
earth and over all the creatures that move along the ground."), and Paul reminds us that because Christ is in us and Christ has dominion over all things, that we also have dominion over all things [1 Corinthians 3:21-23"So let no one boast in men. For all things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future--all are yours, and you are Christ's, and Christ is God's." (emphasis mine)].

As a housewife, I take my "job" seriously. (Though, honestly, you wouldn't be able to tell from the way my house looks today...ahem...) One of the most active ways that I "work" is in trying to find ways to save my family money. No, I'm not into coupon clipping, even though it might help. Sometimes. I do look for the best deals for my money, though, even when I spend it on me. I'm not much of a budget-maker, but we do live within our means. When I find a new way to save money that makes sense, I get really excited. Ridiculously, even. :)

I guess that's why cloth diapers make sense for our family. We really don't have money to spend each week buying disposables (other than the packages we received at baby showers, we have bought one extra pack of newborn diapers...and hopefully we'll be able to donate two packages of size 1's to the Smithville, Mississippi, relief effort). Instead, we spent just over $100 (again, money from baby showers) for Abby's starter stash...and it looks like we might be spending a little more from our tax return for a few more diapers. Yes, the starting prices are a bit much compared to buying a pack of diapers a week, but overall? I know that I'm spending less on something that would only be thrown away.

This isn't just a plug for cloth, I promise, but since I began cloth diapering, I've realized how much we buy that we throw away. How much we buy that, in reality, kills the grass and the insects and makes the animals sick. I'm realizing more and more what I can do to save money and be a better steward of this world. I'm realizing that I do have talents, gifts and that I can do...better. I'm definitely one to use 3 or more paper towels for any small job, but I'm finding that I feel convicted when I do. And I don't think it's just because I've been reading stuff online.

Honestly, beyond using cloth diapers, I haven't made any other major changes in my family's lifestyle. (Yes, I breastfeed, but in my mind, that's hardly an issue.) We still buy paper towels, toilet paper, nursing pads, etc. I started washing clothes in cold water in college, so that hasn't been an issue either. I don't buy organic or eco-friendly cleaners on purpose (let's be real: Mrs. Meyers just smells heavenly!), and I don't use "natural" soaps (though, after a sample of Yester Year Soaps...I might...just because it smells great, cleans, and moisturizes without breaking me out).

But. I am seeing the reasons why a Christian would care about the Earth. Why Christians can (and maybe should) start taking notice of these "green" issues without feeling or becoming pagan. Whether Jesus comes back this year or in the next hundred years or a millenium from now, our mission hasn't changed. We are to spread the gospel. We are to take it to the uttermost parts of the Earth. And. We need to do our best with the resources that God has graciously given us: time, money, talents, gifts, and this Earth. Not because we want the Earth to be around for generations, but because we want to be able to hand it back to God in a manner that is worthy of our calling.

If I knew I could, I would...

"It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday..." with Lisa-Jo! Five-minute Friday is here, and it's a doozy of a topic. Seriously, I've been thinking about it since last night, mulling it over in my mind. And I'll tackle it in five minutes, no editing or reworking or anything. Promise. ;)

GO!

If I knew I could, I would write. I would write in such a way that you could relive it, understand it, and apply it. I would write about the things that inspire and the things that totally suck. I would write in such a way that you wouldn't have to live in the black, in the darkness, in the mire.

Because I've been there, I've lived there, and I hate watching someone else go through it. It's the kind of mire that, yes, you know the way out, but that way has disappeared, is no longer passable, and you can't tell someone how to get out because they have to live it for themselves. They have to face the darkness, the abyss, and you can encourage them from the other side, but how much do they really believe you? How much can they trust you?

That's the kind of writing I'd do. I'd mark the paths so that I could pull you out quicker, sooner, less messy. Or build a bridge so that you wouldn't get caught at all. But that's not the way that God made us, and that's not the way He works. He doesn't just let us live out the struggle for someone else because we have to experience them for ourselves. Otherwise, we wouldn't remember the lessons. We wouldn't grow.

Though I'd love to do the growing for you, I can't. But I can encourage you from the other side.

STOP!

I definitely added one more sentence at the end...but I think it was needed. If you're inspired to take five minutes and write, go here...




...and link up! 

When the Storms Rage

Seven days of not counting. Seven days of being busy, of being annoyed, of giving all that I can without filling up first. Seven days of that evil self-talk, that self-doubt and self-mutilation that destroys my perceptions and weakens all resolve. Seven days of just making do...of just getting by. Seven days and counting.

Because the truth is that I don't want to count. I don't want to write, to remember, to resolve. I don't want to...I'm tired. So tired.

The paradox is that the more that I try, that I count, that I resolve, that I find and I search, the less stressed, empty, hurt, bitter, annoyed, and even alone I feel. If I truly seek, if I truly knock, then I can truly find.

I'm still counting days, not gifts. I'm just not there yet. I want to want to count...I know it's best...but I've hit that wall, found that stumbling block. And I'm not certain that I am ready. Not yet.

Outside, the storms are raging. The tornadoes have destroyed the good and left the broken. And me? I'm still dealing with the inner storms, the whirling emotions and the devastating words that I'm tired of battling.

Good Friday

I read about the loss of words this Holy Week, words unable to rightly describe the holy God Who came down and loved us with His death instead of burning us with His wrath. I too am made low this week, searching for anything that relates or makes more of God. Searching for words, more words, to share and open up. Instead, this weather has made me lethargic, and I have been letting everything in the house go. Letting it go and focusing instead on relationships. Letting go and simply being.

Counting His blessings, His faithful ways, praising His goodness and provision, yes. Loving on my husband and my daughter and family close by, yes. Laughing and enjoying life and trusting Him to provide jobs and take care of bills and feed and clothe us, yes! Celebrating the resurrection, the hope, the joy that this Sunday reminds us of, yes!

The weather reminds me that this week Christ was made low, that Christ prepared Himself and His disciples for the crucifixion. He also prepared Himself for the joy that was to follow, though. The author of Hebrews reminds us that we should be, "...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:2). He endured the cross for the joy set before Him. He endured the shame for the promise. Likewise, we endure this life, the daily grind and the uncertainty and the sickness and the death and the pain, because we set our eyes on the greater joy that is to follow. This week, too, with all of its planning and preparing and gloom, can be endured because of the joy that comes with the Resurrection. And oh how that joy penetrates and permeates this life! Good Friday brings us low, but Resurrection morning reminds us of the reality of our faith, brings sight to what we believe! It is hope, ever renewing, ever igniting, in the life to come, in the promises that God made, in the sweet surrender of our lives to His will!

He is risen!! He is alive!! And our hopes are justly founded in Him!! Praise the Lord!