The Greatest of These is Love

My husband has this specific message that he's believed in ever since we met. (In fact, hearing him talk about it at the Baptist Student Union devotion time was what first drew me to him!) It's a simple message that has such a profound impact: love.

It's a message that he was blessed to share with about 30 youth last Friday evening at a lock-in (hosted by our friends, Brian and Laura Leigh). How if you say you love God but hate your brother, you're a liar. If you don't love according to 1 Corinthians 13, you don't really love. (And, yes, we all fail in that area because we aren't perfect, but this is our standard.) And this love is not just found in 1 John or 1 Corinthians but throughout the Bible. In fact, my husband firmly believes that the Bible is nothing but God saying He loves us and wants a relationship with us. And I can't help but see the same theme.

This morning, for example, I read the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew. From chapter 5 to chapter 7, there's a theme that I noticed. Can you guess what it is? Yep...love! "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also...If you remember that your brother has a complaint against you, go make it right...Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy...Blessed are you when men persecute you and spitefully revile against you for My sake...Judge not that you be not judged, for in the manner that you judge you yourself shall be judged..."

In this, Jesus' first message to, well, anyone (as far as we know), He makes it clear that the difference between the Judaic law and the Christian "law" is love. Love is what makes Jesus the fulfillment of the Law and the Prophets. I have heard and even said many times that the difference between the two is the heart in which something is done...but if it isn't done in love, is it really done with the right heart?

I think that's what the real difference between the Pharisees and Jesus was. They were doing lists of things because they looked right, but Jesus did all of His actions out of love.

The lists of things to do, items to check off, they're nothing without love. Isn't that what Paul was saying?

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

We could easily say, "If I read my Bible, pray for others, go to church and Sunday School, if I lead the women's ministry and volunteer to lead every youth event, if I visit the homeless and the shut-ins and give half of my salary to the church but have not love, I am nothing."

Yes, it looks good on paper. It looks great to everyone at church and in the community. But to God? Paul once again says it best.

"...If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more: circumcised the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the Law, found blameless. But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ..." (Philippians 3:4-8).

When Paul says that he counts these great things that he has done as rubbish, he means the very lowest form of crap. (Sorry to be crass, but the actual word used here in the Greek? Well, it's the most vulgar form of the word "poo" you can get...) These things that we do, that we strive for? Compared to knowing Christ, they are rubbish.

And when we don't do them out. of. love, they are worthless.

It boils down to this: if we love God, we will love our brothers (and sisters). And if we love God, we will serve Him out of love, not fear or duty.

How are you showing love today?

Sharing my heart this morning over at Ann's.

The Gracious Struggle

I've been getting blessed out of my socks for the past 2 days from reading the Compassion bloggers in Ecuador. (Twitter hashtag #cbec) If you haven't checked them out, I suggest you do. And be prepared. Tissues, your Bible, a journal to write down thoughts...

It's life-changing, heart-wrenching, and eye-opening. All of it. From reading about God's great grace He gives to a pig farmer from Canada to the grace He gives to an Ole Miss fan from Alabama. And every picture, every thought in between.

Still I'm caught in the struggle between, "We don't have the money," and, "We have so much stuff." Most of it was accumulated over time or given to us by many generous people at Abby's baby showers. (She has several outfits that she never wore. I kid you not.) What do we need? What can we sell? Send? Give?

I'm still not sure. And this has been mulling through my mind for over a year. Maybe I'm a slow learner, but I do know this: God is calling me to something beyond this American mindset. To something more than over-indulgence. As Ann pointed out this morning, “Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.” Ezekiel 16:49 (emphasis Ann's)

I don't want to be guilty of not helping the poor and needy.

That's what I keep coming back to. That and the fact that even with a very low salary, even with our missing bills left and right, we're still richer than most people in the world today. We have so much, so much. And why can't we give?

I'm ashamed to admit that we could sponsor a child. If we got rid of the Internet and Netflix. And when I look at the faces of the hurting and the poor, that's all I want to do. But I also know this: sponsoring a child, for us, is something that we have to commit to. There's no turning back. And some months, we can't pay our Internet or Netflix bill on time.

So I pray. I wait. And I'm yearning for the day when God opens up a way for us to sponsor a child. Or two. Or ten. When He allows for us to help in a tangible way. And, oh, I hope it comes soon!

If you would like to sponsor a child through Compassion, you can click here for more info.

He Numbers Our Wanderings...

You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? 

                                                                                                                                         Psalm 56:8

So often it can feel like God isn't listening. That He doesn't hear us or care about what we're going through. This is especially true when we're in the wilderness, the desert, the valley, or in the midst of suffering. We easily, readily believe the lie that we're not good enough. That we aren't loved.

It's so easy to think, "If God loved me, then..." 

Things would be easier. 

Life would be kinder. 

Only the evil people would suffer. 

But He does love us. And often the times when we hurt the most are the times when we draw closer to Him and grow deeper in our relationship with Him. 

"For we know that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

They may not feel good. They may be incredibly painful. But we can rest knowing that they will work together for good.

The blessed promise in all of this is that He numbers our wandering and keeps our tears in a bottle. He hasn't forgotten us. Me. You. No, He numbers our wanderings. He keeps our tears. He is there with you today. Will you rest in that? That He knows where you are, that you have been crying to Him, and that He will make it work for good?

What sort of people ought you to be?

Since all these things are to be destroyed in this way, what sort of people ought you to be in holy conduct and godliness, looking for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be destroyed by burning, and the elements will melt with intense heat! 2 Peter 3:11-12

I've been reading the New Testament, specifically any non-Pauline letters. I think a lot of times, we read and hear what Paul wrote while we neglect the rest of the New Testament or even the Old Testament. I read the passage above today, and it's been weighing heavily on my mind.

What sort of people should we be?

After all, this world is fading. It will be burned one day, along with everything we've accumulated. Wealth, power, prestige, success...even "good" things like clothes, computers, food, shelter. All of this? This that we've gained while on earth? It's going  to be burned. To ashes. Pointless.

How will we have affected this world? The people in it? What will the fires show at the end of the world? Were we caring? Genuine? Did we love our enemies? Did we bless them who cursed us? Did we show love and compassion to the lost and hurting, or did we just skim over their needs?

I'm often humbled with the knowledge that even though my husband is without a job, we're still wealthier than most of the people in this world. Tonight, I read this post that challenged that thought even further. I encourage you to read it (bring tissues!) I also encourage you to pray and ask yourself if your possessions have a hold on you. If so, pray for a new perspective. If they don't, then what is keeping you from sharing, from giving the least of these your all?

It's a hard question which I don't know the answer to. For myself. For our family. For the world.

Five Minute Friday: Growing

Linking up again with Lisa-Jo for the most freeing 5 minutes known to this blogger. :) Yes, I'm actually taking the time this week for Five-Minute Friday!

You know the drill: Write for 5 minutes on the topic (Growing) with no editing. Just writing what comes from the heart without looking for perfection.

Go!

Growing can be painful. It can cause stretchmarks on a pregnant belly and late night pains on a growing teenager. Scars, broken bones, stitches...all come from growing.

But the end result can be breathtaking!

I'm reminded of the Greek meaning for humility (one of my husband's favorite illustrations). The word literally comes from the idea of breaking a wild horse in. Of learning to use the strength and prowess for more than just yourself. God teaches us to control what He has given us through, well, growing.

Through the trials and the sufferings, through the hard times in the valleys. He teaches, strengthens, and humbles us so that He can use us better.

We've been in a growing season lately. Lately as in the past few years. Yes, it's only gotten harder. But God has also shown Himself in ways that we never would have dreamed possible. And as we've grown spiritually, we've also grown closer to our gracious God, who gives us all that we need in ways we could not have imagined.

Stop!

What about you? How has God shown you His grace as He grows and humbles you?

Today we met with the search committee again. Which is amazing simply because this morning was rough.

Abby woke up at 6. Drew had a headache/sinus pressure that kept him in bed. And I was up earlier than I have been in a while. Abby finally went back to sleep...right before we left for church. And didn't get her nap out until, oh, around 4. PM.

Thankfully, even with the hiccups, the meeting went well. In fact, I'd say it went very well. We're waiting to hear back from them right now.

Of course, this being a small country church, there isn't a lot of money in it. And even though we aren't in it for the money by any means, we know that it will still take a certain amount to keep us on our feet. (We don't know exactly how much he would be making right now if he did accept the job. We just know that there isn't a lot of money in it.) So, essentially, we would begin praying for another job to supplement, whether it's something for me to do or for him to do.

I'm so thankful today for His grace-gifts. This morning, while I was taking a shower, Great is Thy Faithfulness came to my mind. Then we sung it in church. Then it played on the classical Pandora station. To me, it's obvious that it was meant for me today. To revel in the fact that He is faithful, that His mercies are new every morning, that He gives "strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow." That no matter how dark, how lonely life may seem, He is there. He is faithful. He is good. And He knows exactly where we are. He has blessed us beyond measure, and I realize that more and more each day that passes. He has given us so much, we who have so very little to give. And He doesn't expect for us to give Him anything but our love in return. 

 From Lamentations 3:
22 The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
     For His compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
    Great is Your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
   “Therefore I have hope in Him.”

What Happened Last Night

Meeting with the church last night went very well! We really enjoyed talking with the youth, and we even had a blast with the youth search committee! We're going to be visiting the church on Sunday and talking with the search committee afterwards again.

When we got home last night, both Drew and I felt really good about the prospect of being the youth minister there. It's a small youth group with an age gap between 7th and 8th graders and college-aged kids. But we know that we could very well leave a good foundation for them, which is exciting.

The other possible problem is that it is a part-time position. More than likely, Drew will need to get another job to fill in the gaps.

Your prayers are coveted as we seek God's will.

On another note, this morning, I woke up to another grace-gift: my morning glory vines, which have never had more than 2 flowers or 1 color bloom at the same time, had 7 blooms with both colors!! God is truly gracious and loving, and I'm so thankful that He cares enough for me to show me His love when I'm feeling especially down.

Thank you all for your prayers, your love, and your support. It means so very much to me.

Life Right Now: Drew has an Interview!!

I have some great news! Drew has an interview tonight!!

It's a part-time position as a youth minister, so it won't cover all of our financial needs. But it's a start! And it also happens to be with the age group that we both have a passion for! This position does have the potential to become full-time, too.

I'm also thankful that it's at a church nearby. We won't have to move! And we can coordinate events with the youth minister that Drew interned under for a couple of years!

Now, while I'm excited about this opportunity, I'm not going to lie: I'm also concerned about where we are now. Our daughter is actually getting to the end of her extensive wardrobe (for some reason, we didn't receive a lot of clothes after 6 months), and she is also outgrowing some of her cloth diaper covers. It's just been a lot lately, period, and to add these smaller things on top of it overwhelms. And while I have been doing fairly well, I tend to avoid it until I'm crushed under the weight of it all. Which is where I am now. I will say that at least God has been good to let my husband and I take turns with being overwhelmed. But I digress.

I want to thank each of you for your prayers and your sweet comments. It really does mean a lot to me.

A Note About Life Right Now and the God Who Can Handle It!!

I've been keeping certain aspects of my life hidden from this blog, choosing instead to put my more inspired thoughts here. Well, things are not going as we had hoped. Not at all.

But I've come to realize something incredibly important: if I hide all of what God does in my life, then I am hiding the things that I should praise Him for. I'm hiding His goodness, His grace. Even in the hard times, when I feel like nothing is going the way it should.

Right now, my husband is without at job once more. This, by the way, is the third or fourth time in a year. (I've lost count, to be honest...) This is the fourth or fifth month (depending on how you look at things) that husband has been without a job in the past year. And we're leaning completely on God to provide for us. Totally.

We've talked about it I don't know how many times, but we both agree that my role is to stay at home and take care of the house and our daughter. I don't know exactly what I can do from home to help (I'm not a salesperson, and I don't take time to do crafts, even though I hoard them on Pinterest!) I don't know if I should do something from home to help.

We're currently praying, seeking God's face, asking Him to show us where He would have us. We're waiting on miracles, and He has already provided one. One that should help us pay a couple of bills and keep food on the table and gas in our truck for a little longer, anyway. I'm not going to lie: we're also hurting. I'm not going to go into details, but we're being hurt from several people that we trusted. And my husband is also upset because though we've been trying to follow God, we are getting no where. Fast. It's enough of an effort to keep food on the table, much less clothes on our backs.

I've been holding onto the verses in Luke 12 that speak of God clothing the lilies and feeding the sparrows. That He loves us so much more than they. That He will provide for our needs, that He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think (Ephesians). Reminding myself that His thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and that His ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah). That He owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalms), and maybe He'll sell one for us?

All that I ask is that you would pray for us. Just for a minute. I'll be updating how God is working as it happens (or at least shortly thereafter).

Let me be clear on a couple of things: I do not believe that God is punishing us or that if we just had more faith, He would move. I also do not believe that He will take care of us because all He wants to do is bless us. I do fully believe that He is testing us, trying us, and working in our lives through this hurt in order to bring glory to Himself and to prune us. If I see any comments that say otherwise, I reserve the right to delete them on the spot.

Five-Minute Friday: Rest

Linking up with Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama again today! I forget how much these short posts really do re-energize me until I do them. :)

Five minutes, without worrying about being perfect. Just creativity flowing. Ahh...

This week's topic is rest. How. Appropriate!

Go!

Rest. What is that, exactly? I honestly don't know. But I do know this.

Rest isn't when you're half-crazed, trying to round up the things you need for a third week away from home.

Rest isn't when you're once again in the van, listening to your baby cry because she wants to get out and play.

Rest isn't when your husband is frantically trying to find people who will sponsor the radio station he's managing.

Rest isn't when you're in a smoke-filled room for the third night in a row, wondering how on earth you'll ever get rid of that smell.

Rest isn't when you're left wondering why or how or when...it isn't when you're stressed beyond measure, trying to trust and have faith when everything is crashing around you. Again.

Rest?

Rest is reading scripture over and over again because, yes, Jeremiah gets it!

Rest is remembering that God loves, He hasn't forgotten, that He does all things for good.

Rest is the peace that steals in, unnoticed, amidst the chaos and stress, and lets husband and wife enjoy dancing when little one has gone to bed.

Has my life been restful lately? No. But He has led me to find rest anyway.

Stop! 

The grace and the craziness never stop flowing! :)

Plans and Pleas

Life is slightly crazy right now.

My husband and I are suddenly faced with no direction, no purpose, and no job. Our plans have failed, drastically. We believe that God is faithful, but I'm not going to lie: it's hard. Lamentations 3:21-24 hard.

Go read those verses. I'll wait here until you've finished reading them. Go!

I know that God has a plan, that He is faithful, and that He works all things to the good of them who love Him, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

But.

We're stressed beyond measure, hurting because of other things going on in life, and pouring out our hearts before Him right now.

That verse in Psalms about feeling like your bones are being crushed? Yeah...we're there.

So prayers would be appreciated. Very much appreciated.

Thank. You.

Mommy Needs a Caffeine IV...

These days, it's sometimes all I can do to keep going. For realz.

I wonder if coffee could cure this exhaustion.

Yeah, it's that bad.

My husband finally has a good job that gives him awesome hours. Well, mostly awesome. Because in reality, it's an all-the-time gig. Radio station manager. Take that, Walmart!

He's pretty much always going, and since it's his job to get the station to a self-sustaining point, he's been stressed to the max for the past two weeks. Oh, and the commute it 3-4 hours away. Woot. Thankfully it's one he makes only once a week, but that also means that he's gone for 4+ days at a time.

I've been going with him, for obvious reasons. I mean, really, if I have the ability, I'm gonna stick with him!

Of course, Abby has been having "fun" while traveling. Ugh...and she's teething.

This adds up to tired daddy, tired baby, tired mommy...and a ransacked house that really needs cleaning. Especially since we're only here for a couple of days at a time anyway.

Which brings me to my point...


Anyone want to some over and help? Please?? 

Five-Minute Friday: Beauty

Such a timely topic! I have to say that these short posts are the highlight of my week. Just writing bits of my heart and learning how to say exactly what I mean the first time...it's both relaxing and therapeutic! :)

Again, in case you're new, Lisa-Jo has offered us bloggy folks the freedom of just writing, whether it sounds just right or not. Interested in writing your own FMF post? Check out The Gypsy Mama for more info!

Start!

There is beauty in the everyday, the routine, the set times and set activities. There is a simplistic, restful way about rhythms and predictability.

There is also beauty in the tragic, the times in life where our muscles are pulled from our bones and life hurts. So deep, so painful, and we wonder if there will ever be beauty again.

Times when this world takes its toll, times when life seems unbearable. When the hard, dark questions rise and the soul longs to know if there truly is beauty or if it's all just a facade.

I know so many people right now where their lives seem so dark, ugly, and beauty sounds like a myth. But this is the lie that we have heard and believed for so long. Just a lie.

Tomorrow shows what today truly held, and in the midst of suffering, torment, hurt, and anguish, the soul is made pure, beautiful, and whole. The refiner's fire hurts, burns, and seems to steal away the beauty, but in reality the impurities are being scraped away and what is left is more beautiful than anyone could have ever imagined.

Photo Credit: http://nashikchandi.com/images/SilverMaking.jpg

Stop! 

Let me leave you with this thought: no matter where your life seems to be right now, beautiful or ugly, remember that God is faithful, and He is always making us into His Son's beautiful image.

Carried

She's quiet and content while I wrangle up some laundry. While I spray liquid allergy relief on sofas and pillows and beds and carpet. I sense her drifting off, her body slowly relaxing while I stay busy. Then I realize her head is down, her body quietly inhaling and exhaling. I grab some soup, some nourishment, and sit down for just a bit.

I feel her. Her still frame, her hot breath, completely at peace, at ease.

She sleeps on my back, in a baby carrier. Completely oblivious to all the things I'm doing, to all of the movements that my busy hands make. But she knows I'm there. She rests in perfect peace.

How is it that I am her rock? How is it that fragile, floundering me can possibly be her encouragement, her strength?

She wakes, balks a bit at the snugness, then gives in to rest, to sleep, again.

How often do I balk at the too-tight closeness of God? How often do I balk at His mercy, His love, His peace, only to finally give in to rest?

She will wake, will balk, will want put down. Or I will tire out from holding her and need my own rest. I lose patience, grow weary, and crave rest. For time on my own. Why do I balk at the One who wants to carry me? Balk at the One who can give me rest, grace, peace when I need it? All the time?

She doesn't know God. She knows me. She knows her Mama and her Daddy. When we forget peace, when we decide we don't want to listen or to do, she learns to balk from Him. To struggle and fight instead of lean in and rest.

It's such a humbling thought: she learns who God is from us. She learns how to perceive God from how we teach about Him.

Am I ready to teach her, show her God? I know that I'll never be ready if I'm trying to be perfect. But can I teach her to trust, to be humble, to rely and lean on Him? Can I teach her about faith, about love, about peace?

The only way I can teach is by acting it out. Daily. Hourly. Every moment will be taken into consideration, every act of mine will influence her walk with Him. Am I ready? I'll never be.

Unless...

I learn to lean and rest. Trust in the Everlasting Arms. Under the wing of the Almighty. In the safety of Him.

After all, He carries us.

Abby being carried in my fancy-schmancy Ergobaby

Can a Woman Forget her Nursing Child?

In case you missed the memo, this past week was World Breastfeeding Week. I'm not going to go into all of the reasons why it's great or why I love it. Not even on factoid! (Seriously, I promise!) I did want to share this post that I wrote for my (ultra-time-consuming) other blog, Sisters 'N Cloth. (The one where I would readily post facts and reasons, if you're into those.) So without further ado, my post for this past week's Worship Wednesday. 

"Can a woman forget her nursing child,
    or lack compassion for the child of her womb?
    Even if these forget,
    yet I will not forget you."

Isaiah 49:15

Because it happens to be World Breastfeeding Week, this verse seems fitting. But because of other events this week, it seems even more fitting.

Melissa introduced me almost two months ago to a little baby, born almost 8 weeks ago with Trisomy 18. This little boy, Tate, lived for over 7 weeks with this genetic disease, defying so many odds. When his mother went in to have her 6 week checkup, her doctor mentioned that it must be hard for her to make the visit. She was amazed to find out that, no, this checkup was not difficult because her boy was still alive. Yes, he is gone now. But Tate has touched countless lives with his and his mother's and father's testimony. They trusted in God to heal their boy, and He did heal him to the fullest when He brought Tate home with Him in Heaven. But not only did God heal Tate, He also allowed for him to be loved, cherished, and nurtured by his family for over 7 wonderful weeks. God is so good! Tate went home to Heaven on Saturday, carried by many prayers.

Another baby, Everett, never saw the light of day. His mother went for another checkup just after his due date in February and found that he had already died. She delivered him the next day and has carried him in her heart since. Her pregnancy had been completely normal, no complications whatsoever. Nothing at all even hinted that something could go wrong. But when it did, she and her husband fell in God's embrace, constantly reminding themselves of God's goodness, His mercy, and His love. It's been five months since they buried their son, and they are rejoicing today because, in God's great love, He has given them another baby. And while they are so cautious, they can still rest in Him, knowing that He loves them and that every day with this baby is a gift.

There are so many times in life when it feels like God has abandoned us. There are wars, famines, hurts, death, and it seems that God couldn't be in them. That He must not love us enough or He would do something about it. We may think, "Babies dying? Come on, God, how is that just? How is it right when their parents are faithful? You have a twisted sense of justice..." But the verse above? Remember what it says? Even if it were possible for these mothers who have lost their children, the children of their wombs, God would still not forget us!

I pray that as you nurse your child this week, that you will remember the great love that God has for each one of us. As far-fetched as it may seem, He loves us more than the love you have for your child. Even as you nurse. And that, my friend, is pretty spectacular.

If you'd like to read more about Tate's story and learn how to pray for his family, you can visit his mother's blog here. To read Everett's story from the "start," you can visit his mother's blog here, or if you'd like to read her announcement post and rejoice with her, you can read it here.

Five Minute Fridays: Full

I haven't been here in a while. It feels kinda nice to write a bit about whatever I want. In case you missed it, I've been blogging at Sisters 'N Cloth, and in between that and these crazy days, I've neglected this blog more and more.

While I'd like to say that I won't be as neglectful in the future, I really don't know if that's true. I'll try, that's for certain. Because I miss the warmth here. The freedom here. And, honestly? It's nice to be home.

Anyway, on to this week's Five Minute Friday topic: Full.

Go!

Oh, my days are full. Full of errands and cleaning, full of running after Little Miss Quick. (Yes, that sounds like Bisquick.)

Mostly, though, it's full of anticipation. Of wondering how and when God is going to lead. These days of wandering, of wilderness, they have an ending. They have an end. They are ending now. And we are so full of joy, of hope, of amazement at the wonder God is doing!

Even Little Bit is getting more and more excited. It shows in how fast she moves from right in front of me to the coffee table...and then over to the ottoman. My hands? They're so full right now with her. But they're full of good things.

My heart, too, rejoices in its fullness. Sometimes it threatens to spill over, this incredible, wonderful joy! God's promises are yes and amen! He never leaves, never forsakes, never abandons! He stays with us, even when we feel He certainly has left us. And when we look up and realize that He has always been there? Full doesn't even begin to describe it!

Full, overflowing, spilling over, dripping onto the floor, making huge puddles of joy...that's where we are right now, friends. Full indeed. :)

Stop!

It seems as though I really should update y'all on what's going on around here. :) Soon, I promise.

3 in 30: Starting to Plan

So...I have a problem. I'm a procrastinating perfectionist. Yes, it's true. We really do exist!

The place where this really shows up is in my housework. It's atrocious! And a routine or schedule? Yeah, there is none. Unless you count watching TV and staying online a routine. Then, yeah, I have one of those. 

I have tried schedules. I have tried lists. And guess what? None of them work for me. My perfectionism kicks in, and because I haven't done it just right, I freak out. I give up. And I let it go. Again.


I obviously have a problem with keeping up with a long, detailed schedule. I see this enormous mountain in front of me, and I have no clue how to scale it. So instead I plop back down on the couch, run around a couple of days a week trying to do a few things, and leave lots undone.

Or I'll start with a plan, keep it up for about a week, congratulate myself on a job well done, and then return to the couch for a day. But that day? It ends up being a week. A month. And I'm back where I started.

Enter the 3 in 30 Challenge.

Apparently others have the same trouble: staying focused on goals and lists, eventually laying them by the wayside. What do they do? Break down lofty goals into three little goals per month. Bite-sized, easy to chew, doable goals!

So, instead of me saying, "I'm going to work on keeping the kitchen spotless every day, keeping the laundry cleared, and making sure that Abby has a bedtime schedule," I can say instead, "For this month, I'm going to work on keeping the dishes washed after each meal, giving Abby a bath every night, and reading my Bible in the morning." See how much easier that is? And guess what. If I don't "master" a goal this month, I can work on it next month too! No, I don't see this as a license to perpetually mess up but as a way of not beating myself up over it. (Being a procrastinating perfectionist, I can have some mean self-talk if I don't watch it! This gives me enough slack that I can shut myself up easily.)

I love the fact that I won't be alone in this. There's a Facebook group, a Twitter handle, a weekly blog linkup...there's definitely accountability! So even if I don't feel like doing it, the fact that there are hundreds of others behind me, encouraging me to keep pressing forward, will (hopefully!) help keep me motivated.

This month, for the rest of the month, and next month if needed, I'll be working on these three goals:

1. Reading my Bible daily~attitude change
2. Filling out my gift list daily~attitude change
3. Giving Abby a bath every night~working on a schedule

There are so many goals that I want to accomplish, so much that I want to do. I want to clean my house more often. I want to get laundry done in a more efficient way. I want to have a daily routine for my family. I want to learn to cook better. And I'll get there, baby step by baby step.

3 in 30. 36 in 365. I can do that.

Multitudes on Mondays: Love Letters and Lists

I'm not sure when I wrote my first love letter to my husband. I know that I was already in high school and feeling like a failure at love. I had one boyfriend when I was in junior high. That "relationship" lasted for 7 days. And then I had a boyfriend for 6 days during my senior year. Woot.

While I had standards (which were pretty much limited to no sex), I definitely was open to the idea of dating. There was one major problem, though: my dad happened to be a pastor. Well, that and I was a good girl who never dreamed of what went on at parties. I wasn't exactly girlfriend material, at least not to red-blooded American teenage boys.

Sometime between my junior year of high school and my freshman year of college, something began to change. I started seeing just how ridiculous high school relationships were (at least most of the ones I saw first-hand). I also began realizing that I didn't just want any guy. I wanted the right guy. And so my love letters began.

Many times, they were written when my heart had been crushed. As the only one in a trio of girls without a boyfriend, lonely was an accurate description of my life then. Lonely and, well, forgotten. My friends didn't mean any harm by it, but it was so much easier for them and their boyfriends to double date or hang out...without me. I was the third wheel, and I knew it. So my letters are stained with tears in some places, tears because I knew that someone was missing in my life, and I mourned that he wasn't with me yet.

I also looked at what the Bible says about the characteristics of a godly man and a godly woman. I knew that I had a lot to learn about being a godly woman, and I began praying for my husband to be a godly man. Then one day, I made the list. Just a few things that I wanted to see in my husband: who love God first and me second, who is in a growing relationship with Christ, who makes me feel safe, who is a deep thinker and thinks for himself, who is committed to following God, who is attracted to my inner beauty, who can make my day better by being there, who can cook (!), who makes me laugh, who is somewhat of a romantic, who loves music, who appreciates my quirks, who is kind and not a liar, who can control his anger...

Can I just say that after re-reading these, I realize that I'm describing my husband to a T? (Yes, he even cooks!) These are the things that I wanted, and God blessed exceedingly abundantly beyond all that I could ask or think!

Soon, it was my last summer before college. That summer, I read a book that changed my perspective on dating and marriage completely: When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy. While I don't agree completely with all that they said, one thing stuck out: they didn't kiss until their wedding day. The more that I thought about it, the more that I wanted that for myself and my future husband. What better way to celebrate our love, to show our commitment to each other, than to save that first kiss? Thankfully, I had not kissed anyone before that, and I truly believe that while I felt alone and unloved, God was protecting me from myself.

Why do I say that? Is kissing so wrong? No! Of course it isn't! And yet it is. It was for my husband and me because neither of us trusted ourselves with just a kiss. And my husband had, years before, made a vow that he wouldn't kiss a woman unless she were his bride. Technically, it didn't matter if I had kissed someone previously, but I'm glad that I hadn't simply because we were on an even playing field when it came to kissing and other physical contact.

Now, all of this happened before I met the man who would be my husband. To a young girl who graduated from a public high school in May 2006. To a young woman who met her future husband in August 2006. (It really is quite a story. Perhaps I should share sometime? There's even a last-minute breaking of the engagement and a reunion!)

And, for the record, my husband still takes those letters out at times and reads them.

Gifts from the heart:

Letters to my future husband
Letters to my baby girl (begun in high school)
Hopes and dreams and wishes written down
List of who he is marking Song of Solomon
Prayers upon prayers written down, marking days and times and seasons of life
Markings in my Bible: notes on when, where, how it applies
Underlinings, circles, and highlighters noting important Words of Life
Bulletins and random papers scattered throughout
Notebooks and pens, writing style that changes with years
Random lists written in between pages
Notes from classes, written and preserved
Notes and underlines in textbooks
Poems and stories, handwritten and typed up
Professors and teachers who made me write
Doodles and pen marks on days that bored me
Gel pens and colored Sharpie markers and coloring pencils and crayons
The simple joy of coloring a page


The permanence of a pen, ink that tattoos our lives...

Project Love

I read Ann's post today, and the same feelings, the same compassion, overwhelms me. The same that started in September 2010, the same that has been haunting me ever since.

Every Compassion post on Twitter, every mention of writing letters, fuels this desire, this heartache for someone I've never met.

And since September, I've heard, "If you can find a way..." I have tried. But there are bills to pay, loans we can't pay, groceries, clothes, and list goes on. Still, my heart clenches and the tears well up because I know that we are so much better off than so many around this world. How can we make this work?

Right now, I'm working with my sister-in-law on a project that I hope will allow for this, for the love of Christ to be brought to others, for Christ in them to be their hope of glory, for God to be glorified and honored, and for us both to be brought lower.

Would you join me in prayers for this? That we may glorify God through this project, viewing it as much as ministry as anything? That we may be bold in our faith in the circles we will be in? And that, possibly, God would allow for one more child to be sponsored in our name? Thank you, friends.

when you don't feel good enough

"Him we preach, warning every man and teaching every man in all wisdom, that we may present every man perfect in Christ Jesus. To this end, I also labor, striving according to His working which works in me mightily." Colossians 1:28-29 (emphasis mine)

I am pretty good at putting myself down. The condemning self-talk only gets worse when I'm feeling tired, worn out, or just blah. It may start out with you didn't wash dishes today...look at the mess piled up on the counter. And then usually there will be an and look at the mess in the living room! You know Drew hates that. Suffice it to say that it escalates from there, sometimes even listing the ways that I'm a terrible wife or mom. Or both.

Tonight was one of those nights. And I just felt...dissatisfied. Because I'm not clean or neat. Because I wish that we had just a little more money...maybe to pay off student loans or buy a few more diapers. Because I miss being pregnant and though my sweet girl is such a joy, she's also a handful. (And, no, I haven't gotten to the part where I would actually have two kids. I don't dream that far ahead...on purpose.) I want so badly to be the person (albeit idealized) that I want to be. The person that I'm sure would do a little better than all of the things I feel that I'm doing wrong.

Here's the rub: I can't. There is nothing in me that is good. Nothing in me that is righteous. Even this idealized form that I aspire to, I cannot get there on my own. There is only this: "Christ in me, the only hope of glory" (Colossians 1:27). And there is this: "Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved..." (Colossians 3:12).

Because Christ is my hope of glory, because I am holy and beloved, He works mightily in me. He works in me...mightily. So often, I want to be better. I want to do more. And I fail. Why? Because I am relying on my own strength. Because I am not trusting Him to lead me in love. Instead, I lead myself...in fear and distrust. After all, who could love me? Just the way I am?

When I trust God to work mightily in me, I give up my own dreams and wishes for myself. I rely on God to lead. I strive because He leads me to strive. I rest because He leads me to rest. He leads me according to what He knows I can handle. According to what He knows I need. According to His will.

Oh, this is hard. And I fight against it, bucking against the One giving me life. I would rather believe the lies I tell myself than to rest in the Father. I would rather strive, working myself into a fit, than to be at peace. After all, haven't we heard so often that if you just change your mindset, if you just work at it, you can accomplish anything? Do better, work harder, strive. Often, these cries drown out the quiet whisper: "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). Because He is working in us. He is leading us from glory to glory. In His time.

Where is He leading you? To rest? To strive? To do the thing you think you cannot do? Lean on Him. Trust Him. Yes, it isn't easy. Yes, it's so very hard. But, friend, practice anyway. Because eventually this giving of things to Him, this leaning on Him? It does get easier. Even when it doesn't feel like it.