Five Minute Fridays: Still

Linking up with Lisa-Jo again today! For, wait for it...

Five-Minute Fridays!! 





This week's topic is still. And since the link isn't working yet, this should be fun. :)

Five minutes to just write, without worrying if it's just right or not. Five minutes to let my (somewhat) creative mind go free and enjoy whatever comes from my noggin.

Ready? Here we go!

Start!

Through the long days, the sometimes longer nights, through the mess and chaos that surrounds this thing called life, sometimes I can find myself, the person I've been in the middle of the person I've become.

I'm still the girl who would rather read and observe than act and participate. I'm still the girl who loves grammar jokes, puns, and smart humor. I'm still the girl who laughs quietly, shoulders shaking, with a huge smile.

Sometimes it's hard to find her. Amidst the mommy, the wife, the blogger...sometimes she gets a little lost. She forgets what it's like to be caught up in the pages of a good book, to write whatever is on her heart because it feels good to get it out, even to watch a favorite tv show just because.

But most times, if she can find a good cup of coffee, if she can find a new book to read, if she can spend just a few minutes writing down her heart, I see her. Still there in the stillness.


It's in the stillness, in the quiet, that she finds me, that we find Him, and that we realize we are the same person. Still.

Stop!

Five Minute Fridays: Full

I haven't been here in a while. It feels kinda nice to write a bit about whatever I want. In case you missed it, I've been blogging at Sisters 'N Cloth, and in between that and these crazy days, I've neglected this blog more and more.

While I'd like to say that I won't be as neglectful in the future, I really don't know if that's true. I'll try, that's for certain. Because I miss the warmth here. The freedom here. And, honestly? It's nice to be home.

Anyway, on to this week's Five Minute Friday topic: Full.

Go!

Oh, my days are full. Full of errands and cleaning, full of running after Little Miss Quick. (Yes, that sounds like Bisquick.)

Mostly, though, it's full of anticipation. Of wondering how and when God is going to lead. These days of wandering, of wilderness, they have an ending. They have an end. They are ending now. And we are so full of joy, of hope, of amazement at the wonder God is doing!

Even Little Bit is getting more and more excited. It shows in how fast she moves from right in front of me to the coffee table...and then over to the ottoman. My hands? They're so full right now with her. But they're full of good things.

My heart, too, rejoices in its fullness. Sometimes it threatens to spill over, this incredible, wonderful joy! God's promises are yes and amen! He never leaves, never forsakes, never abandons! He stays with us, even when we feel He certainly has left us. And when we look up and realize that He has always been there? Full doesn't even begin to describe it!

Full, overflowing, spilling over, dripping onto the floor, making huge puddles of joy...that's where we are right now, friends. Full indeed. :)

Stop!

It seems as though I really should update y'all on what's going on around here. :) Soon, I promise.

3 in 30: Starting to Plan

So...I have a problem. I'm a procrastinating perfectionist. Yes, it's true. We really do exist!

The place where this really shows up is in my housework. It's atrocious! And a routine or schedule? Yeah, there is none. Unless you count watching TV and staying online a routine. Then, yeah, I have one of those. 

I have tried schedules. I have tried lists. And guess what? None of them work for me. My perfectionism kicks in, and because I haven't done it just right, I freak out. I give up. And I let it go. Again.


I obviously have a problem with keeping up with a long, detailed schedule. I see this enormous mountain in front of me, and I have no clue how to scale it. So instead I plop back down on the couch, run around a couple of days a week trying to do a few things, and leave lots undone.

Or I'll start with a plan, keep it up for about a week, congratulate myself on a job well done, and then return to the couch for a day. But that day? It ends up being a week. A month. And I'm back where I started.

Enter the 3 in 30 Challenge.

Apparently others have the same trouble: staying focused on goals and lists, eventually laying them by the wayside. What do they do? Break down lofty goals into three little goals per month. Bite-sized, easy to chew, doable goals!

So, instead of me saying, "I'm going to work on keeping the kitchen spotless every day, keeping the laundry cleared, and making sure that Abby has a bedtime schedule," I can say instead, "For this month, I'm going to work on keeping the dishes washed after each meal, giving Abby a bath every night, and reading my Bible in the morning." See how much easier that is? And guess what. If I don't "master" a goal this month, I can work on it next month too! No, I don't see this as a license to perpetually mess up but as a way of not beating myself up over it. (Being a procrastinating perfectionist, I can have some mean self-talk if I don't watch it! This gives me enough slack that I can shut myself up easily.)

I love the fact that I won't be alone in this. There's a Facebook group, a Twitter handle, a weekly blog linkup...there's definitely accountability! So even if I don't feel like doing it, the fact that there are hundreds of others behind me, encouraging me to keep pressing forward, will (hopefully!) help keep me motivated.

This month, for the rest of the month, and next month if needed, I'll be working on these three goals:

1. Reading my Bible daily~attitude change
2. Filling out my gift list daily~attitude change
3. Giving Abby a bath every night~working on a schedule

There are so many goals that I want to accomplish, so much that I want to do. I want to clean my house more often. I want to get laundry done in a more efficient way. I want to have a daily routine for my family. I want to learn to cook better. And I'll get there, baby step by baby step.

3 in 30. 36 in 365. I can do that.

when grief comes to visit again

Grief. It's such a funny thing. You can go for days, weeks, months without it ever rearing its head.

And then, one day it pops up out of nowhere, leaving you hurt and angry and breathless all over again.

My babies. I will forever miss them, and I didn't even know them. Hardly knew they were even there. And yet they taught me the hardest lessons I have ever learned.

And today, I sit here thinking that I will never have anything but the vague memory that they were here. That the only thing I ever gave them was a name. And though they never called me Mama, they did bring to life my Mother's heart. Their short lives are filled with such paradoxes, the greatest being that my friends and family in Heaven know them better than I ever will while I live here on earth.

There are so many questions that I have, so many I'd love to ask that can't be answered. But even amidst the questions and the hurt, I know this: I am thankful for their lives. I am thankful for their deaths. Not because I don't miss them. Not because I've had a vision of them. I am thankful because without their deaths, Abby wouldn't be here today. Without their deaths, I would not be the woman I am. Without their deaths, I would not be nearly so anxious for Heaven.

Yes, I am thankful. Even when I don't understand why.